spiritual crisis?

Another heavy entry…. :p first of all.. I offer my condolence to marlin’s church fren, luda tan, whom passed away on Wednesday… well… to marlin, his death has been an eye-opener…. She went home last nite, bringing home THIS feeling that she shared it with me….

Well… she told me that her fren was a v caring fren, alwiz said ‘I love u’ to his wife everyday, that his frenz had no regrets losing him that sudden…. So marlin was inspired to write about her life n frenz in a book… so yea.. okiez…. Eniwei.. I told wihu also about marlin’s fren passed away… I mean he juz lost his fren too.. then he was like saying ‘haiz.. recently we have more people passing away just like that..?’ n his next question was ‘if it happened to u… are u prepared? Where will u go?’ I answered heaven…i guess... but I wasn’t THAT sure tat I’d go there… I mean I know ive accepted Jesus… but attitude wise?? Well… the new people tat knew me wldnt say im Christian at first look.. isit rili not SHOWN o_O’ well… upon my answer, he was like saying ‘well that question is to test who is the true believer who rili knows that they’ve got place in heaven…’ n he went on ‘I guess u r still free tinker as I expected..’ THAT is wad made me went round asking people wad they tink… n me n marlin talked the whole nite thru about this O_o’ maybe up to at least 3.30 O_o’

Today, I made sbass sat with me for at least 2 hours to hear me out….. hhehee sorie hor baz… :p eniwei… I told him how are u so sure tat when u said u believed, u really believed….. u know…. Coz, I was reminded about the sermon during ‘sabtu-sunyi’, again in GPBB, the preacher said ‘how sure tat u’d get a place in the kingdom of heaven?’ sometimes pple wld tink they HAV belived when they actually havnt… well I was so sure tat I wld be entitled a place there…. Hehe if time could change the way I tink, why not God? i myself tink<'like sbass said> I dun feel im good enuff to be His child…. true that He doesnt go for perfection.. but attitude wise? wldnt he want me to be grateful? after all the blessings he's given me?? i mean I, myself, realise that this is how itz should be... but somehow i juz dun feel the calling or the urge... hav i gone numb?? O_O' if i have... itz the scariest thing tat cld happen O_O'

Reminds me of the parable marlin read last nite.. about the lost sheep… out of 100 sheep, if one goes missing… wad wil God do? He would find the sheep n will put it on his shoulder n brought it home…. So am I the 1? Or am I the 99?? I ammmm the 1! Definitely….. Sbass’ solution was ‘build ur relationship with Him’ so.. he prayed for me for the one week ahead, tat I’d keep to my QT n prayers… ‘pelan2 tapi dijalanin’ he said.. haha ya… dun delay.. there isn’t time… there are more things coming up…. Bible writes that towards the end of days, well… there are MORE tings happening in the world.. kingdom would rise against kingdom, floods at one area, drought at one area…. Wad looked like a natural disaster, is not a NATURAL disaster.. itz His plan… so really.. our time is not that much… tatz y I took my first step today… n kept to my commitment last week tat I wun be late for church ^_^ I sought help of sbass, marlin, etc etc… well… was like sharing my thoughts with sbass actually… sbass also said loadza tings he cant answer… but thx for listening and praying for meeee ^_^ about that ultimate question, he himself sure that he has secured a place in heaven… how to make myself SUREtat ive that one special place also prepared for me there?? that when itz time for me to leave the world, i would be smiling n says 'im going home...'

He said we could look at our life’s testimony…. Hehehe which yea.. O_o’ hahaha…. Mine is far from good Christian’s behaviour. Well people might say.. aiz.. never pray only… it mite not look ‘sinful’ or wadeva… but I guess thru prayer, a child talk to her Father… thru a prayer, Father knows what we want… and thru a prayer, He could answer… “yes, no or maybe later, my child”… I know wadz supposed to be done… but wadz it tat is blocking me? Family? they'v been supporting me to go to INDO churches coz they bliv i cld grow more there... :) Friendz? No… I bliv we r liberals, yea? U bliv in wadever u bliv, I beliv in wadever I bliv in…. hehe joE said that he believes throughout his reincarnations, there’s definitely a chance tat he will spend in hell… why he can be so confident he’d spend a period of time in hell n yet not fearing hell?? but hell is like ......................... an eternity of sufferings and torture… full of crying and pain…

Life after death, only offers 2 choices… which one wld u take? Heaven or hell? For me, I know this is a ‘no-kidding’ time… really.. I was reminded thru my own frenz, which all of a sudden asking me questions about my faith…. even those ive not talked for a long time, those new ones, I guess those were the times the Lord wanted me to realize… hey.. Ive gone astray… n he’s looking for me to go back…. N Lord.. I AM GOING BACK TO YOU! definitely! Help me to keep my promise of keeping my prayers n quiet time with u….. grant me the courage…

N to all my frenz.. thx for being there to listen… thx for being undeztanding n offering to lift me up to where I could belong to….. well I guess I know now how it feels to have spiritual crisis…. Itz a very burdened kind of feeling…. If life is so short, why won’t you take the chance before our time has gone…. If life is so short….

Huehuehue was talking to my classmate about this, well I didn’t know he was a free-thinker… n he really has got a great deal to talk on this :p his advices were logical and lastly, he summed up with ‘dun tink u gona die… live life to the fullest, go out there n experience the world… life, lest all natural disasters, are in our control’ I know wad he meant.. he meant, do wadever choices WE have made… now im facing exams, face it confidently and in control.. as in we’ve chosen to get a degree do it, so tat u wun hav regrets when results are out… as for life itself… I have DECIDED I’d go back to the way He has drawn for me…. N I guess if there are loadza sacrifices… hang-out with frenz… =p a great deal matter to me, but well.. step by step, im gona do it…. Pray for me… pray so tat im spiritually strong….

Seek ye first and the kingdom of the Lord, and his righteousness. And all will be added unto you, Alleluia ^_^ n lemme quote a verse from GPBB’s bulletin : “Jangan takut, sebab malaikat Allah yang menyertai kita lebih banyak daripada jumlah musuh kita..” (2 raja raja 6 :16)