uhm...

I dun think u shld read today’s entry… but if u do read it… dun ask me questions okay?! I want my privacy coz after all this is a form of diary whereby I put all my thoughts RIGHT?

How many people must I hurt? I duno wadz with me... Do I alwiz send wrong signals to guys? Itz not difficult for me to talk to guys, coz I think guyz are easy to talk to and ofcoz to flirt… But then I dun FLIRT on purpose… I mean my FLIRT is so damn obvious that itz just for fun n just for the sake of making the mood better of just to make people laugh bcoz without so much flirting it’d get bored… RIGHT??

Well.. I ain’t perfect… lotz of people hv seen the bad side about me.. impatient, not easy to please, not easy to impress (tho easily adore people).. I dun like lotza people in my life… Ive got attitude! Big one! haiz.. I know I gota be grateful to God that im given a charm of my own despite all my weaknesses… but then... everytime this thing happen, it makes me really feel so bad… I hope those people ive hurt would not think im tinking too highly of myself n too lowly of them… itz just easy for me to like someone but VERY VERY difficult to have THAT feelings towards them… u may count how many people Ive got crush on? Biggest crush was only recently that I feel that im finally ready for that relationship… but then… these and that’s happened n I retreated… J n so… there goes…

People said ‘y not try to be in relationship?’ it MIGHT work for some people… but it would NOT for me… when people asked me to think about it… I’d say ‘no’ coz ive tried myself to hv feelings towards these people who feels towards me.. but it doesn’t grow at all… After he recovers we’d become friends as usual again.. I’d start to treat them the same again… but then his feelings’d develop again -_-‘ why is the issue of relationship is so complex? I hate to ‘reject’ these people coz they’re really nice people…. Most of them are close to me.. n when their feelings develop, I don’t want to get too close to them coz it’d hurt them… so.. most of the time I just lose these great people around me just becoz of these feelings thing…. If they recover fast. Its great… but some people takes longer than others… THATz bothering me… I don’t know what to do.. if I suddenly ask them ‘how u doing? Ok?’ they’ll think im showing care n concern.. it’l refurbish their hopes… n if I dun. It makes me feel bad…

Why do I alwiz HURT people and THENNNN start to think back… isn’t it too late? Why do I despise care n concerns of others? Guys love to take care of the girls, yeah? But me? Excessive concerns make me uneasy… but AFTER I hurt the people… THEN I feel bad about them… n trying to reason out that I could have been better towards them coz what they’re showing were just for ME n ME n ME alone….. cares are the greatest thing someone could have given to others right? (love is too strong word lahh)… then y is it that although I appreciate the cares, I feel like itz bothersome..

I think this is one of the reasons that I remained single for all these years…. Im uncommitted, easily bored, too careless, too tactless, uneasy towards ‘mushy’ stuff although I love to read all the romance books when the couple shows their love n stuff…….. why the effects are all contradicting in real life???
Aiz.. just wanna apologiz to him.. wther he reads this or not… u r a great guy with ur own unique personalities… just find the right girl n u wun lose her forever… it wun work b/w us coz itz just not that kind of ‘like’ ok? but u hvnt lose me either.. im still ur fren… k? sorry for evryting ive done in the past…………….. forget me… forgive me… n move on… ok? All d bez……………………………………..